Myths versus reality
Coercive control is widely misunderstood, and the misunderstandings do real harm.
They can stop people recognising what is happening to them, lead families and professionals to look away, and leave the person responsible unchallenged.
Below are some of the most common myths about coercive control, set against what the law and my casework show, with a particular focus on adults who are vulnerable because of age, disability or illness.
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Reality: It also happens between adult children and ageing parents, between siblings, and within caregiving relationships. See this page for more info.
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Reality: Young people are at risk as they may not have experience of healthy relationships. But coercive control happens to someone of any age.
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Reality: Coercive control frequently involves no violence at all. The control is the harm. Restriction, fear, and domination can exist without a single mark on the body.
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Reality: Perpetrators frequently present as devoted, caring, even admirable to the outside world. The control usually isn't visible to anyone who isn't inside the relationship.
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Reality: Capacity and freedom of choice are different things. A person can have capacity and still be so dominated by someone else that their decisions are not truly their own. The inherent jurisdiction of the High Court can protect adults in that position, creating space for their own wishes to re-emerge.
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Reality: Caregiving can be hard, and most carers – including family – act in good faith. But coercive control is a pattern of dominating behaviour, often framed as love or concern. What matters is whether the behaviour restricts the person’s choices and independence, not whether the controller feels affectionate or means well.
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Reality: Abuse happens because someone decides to abuse, not because the person on the receiving end failed to protect themselves. The word “vulnerable” can carry a shame the person hasn’t earned. The shame belongs to the person who abuses.
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Reality: People under coercive control often defend the person controlling them, minimise what’s happening, or say they feel they “just take it”. The bond with the controller can be strong, and the person may repeat the controller’s account as their own. A calm visit with everyone present often tells you very little.
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Reality: Leaving is often the hardest, and most dangerous moment in an abusive relationship. Coercive and controlling behaviour is designed to make leaving feel impossible: financially, socially, and psychologically.
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Control often continues, or intensifies, after separation (this is known as “post-separation abuse”). A former partner or relative can still monitor, harass, litigate or control money and property. Leaving is often the most dangerous time, so ongoing support and safety planning matter.